A Mindful Perspective
Welcome to my podcast! I'm Nick Levesque, and I'm on a mission to help you navigate life's challenges with a mindful perspective. Join me every week as I dive deep into the realms of mindset, spirituality, and personal growth. Drawing from my own experiences, I want to provide you with tools, strategies, insights, and inspiring stories that will help you go from where you are now, to where you want to be.
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A Mindful Perspective
How to Hold Space and Be There for Someone
What if you could master the skill of holding space, transforming your relationships in ways you never thought possible? We're here to guide you through this transformative journey, sharing practical tips on how to be genuinely present for someone without judgment. From setting aside those distracting phones to creating an emotionally safe environment, we'll show you how to witness and validate others' feelings while staying aware of your own. This isn't just for therapists or coaches; it's a life skill that can deepen connections with anyone in your life.
We'll unpack how active listening and self-awareness are essential in these moments. Holding space isn't about voicing your thoughts or offering solutions; it's about letting the other person be heard and felt. We highlight the importance of empathy, the power of silence, and how sometimes the most profound support is simply being there, allowing the other person to process their emotions in their own time.
But how do you maintain your own emotional well-being while being a pillar of support for others? Boundaries and self-care are crucial. We'll discuss why it's essential to set boundaries and how to encourage professional help when needed. Tune in to learn how to balance these responsibilities and leave inspired to spread this awareness further. We look forward to hearing your thoughts and connecting again next week!
Hello everyone and welcome to A Mindful Perspective. I'm your host, nick Levesque, certified Spiritual Life Coach, and I'm here to share insights into my journey of mindfulness and self-discovery. Each week, we'll explore mindset, spirituality and personal growth to help you navigate life's challenges, with practical strategies and inspiring stories. Let's dive in. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of A Mindful Perspective. In today's episode, we're going to be talking about how to hold space for someone, because I think it's so important to learn how to be present with someone when they think it's so important to learn how to be present with someone when they're sharing something that's on their hearts and that's weighing heavily on their hearts, right? So in today's episode, we're really going to be diving into how to hold space for someone and tips and tricks on how to do that more specifically. So, to start off, I want to say that I have an episode recorded from a little while back that's called the Art of Listening, which I find goes very well with this episode. So if you want to listen to that one first, you definitely can. You don't have to, but it really dives more deeply into active listening and, obviously, holding space for someone. A large component of that is the ability to listen, right. So if you want to go back and listen to that first, you can. If not, you can completely proceed with this one, completely up to you.
Speaker 1:But again, I want to talk about holding space for someone and what specifically that means. Okay, because I think it's a term that is more commonly used nowadays, definitely in the coaching and therapy spaces and all these different things, but it's a term that I think is very important for everyone to understand and it's a skill that I think is very important for everyone to learn, because listening right and being there for someone is a skill. This is why I call it the art of listening, because being able to truly listen to what someone's going through right Listening is a skill that needs to be learned over time. There was never a class in school or high school that I know of, anyways that really talked about how to listen to someone and how to be there for someone, right? So I think it's very important for us to really understand that. So, if we define what holding space for someone is, I found a definition online that I wanted to share with you and I find it was very, very good, and I'm not entirely sure who wrote this, but essentially what it says is, holding space is the process of witnessing and validating someone else's emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.
Speaker 1:And I think this is a very, very important concept and a very, very well defined definition, if you will, because there's two components in here that we're going to dive into. But first and foremost, okay, holding space sounds like it's a very simple idea, right, it's just being there for someone, but it can be a little more complex when we're trying to practice this or when someone comes to us with a specific situation. But essentially, holding space for someone means that you're fully present with them, without judgment, right? So you sit with that person through a difficult time or whatever it is that they're going through. Right, and I think this is a very key component. Is you're present with them? Right, you're not distracted. You've got no phones in front of you. That's, I think, is the most important part of being present with someone. Right, you're not distracted by anything, especially phones. I find that they you know they can kill our attention so much. Right? And obviously, imagine like someone. Imagine yourself going to someone and wanting to talk about something and they're on their phone as an example. Right it's. I find that to be so disrespectful and such right.
Speaker 1:So if someone's coming to you to talk about something, it's very important to not be distracted and be fully present with them and also, you know, validate their experience. It's about sitting with that person through their difficult time. So maybe someone had a fight with their boyfriend and they wanted to talk to you about that situation. Maybe they had a fight with any relationship in their families. Maybe they're going through a grieving process, perhaps it's a loss of a partner or breakup, all these different things. But essentially what you're doing is you are creating a safe container for them to open up their hearts. And what I mean by a container is that basically, it's kind of like this little container, if you will. It's almost like you and that person are in a little box and whatever it is that you're saying stays within that box. There's nothing you know and there's no judgment. There's no, nothing, right. That box is extremely safe for them to open up, to cry if they need to, to express anger if they need to, right. But basically you listen, you sit with them and you listen fully. Right, you sit with them in their pain.
Speaker 1:And another way you can also kind of say, that is, you meet someone exactly where they're at right, and I think this is such an important skill because it's not only for coaches or therapists, right? Obviously, you know as a coach or a therapist, and you know as a coach myself in client sessions. This is probably the most important thing that you could ever do, right, to simply be able to hold space for someone. But, honestly, I think it's a skill that anybody can benefit from and anybody can learn, because it's something that, at a certain point in our lives, we will all need to, kind of you know, experience and hold space for someone at a certain point in time. And I actually wrote something on Instagram a few days ago that I want to share with you, because I think it really encapsulates the importance and my own kind of definition of holding space. Okay, and essentially, what I said was one of the greatest gifts you can offer is your presence and your ability to hold space for someone.
Speaker 1:Often, what a person seeks isn't advice or a solution, but simply to feel seen, heard and understood, to know that they matter and that their experiences are valid. Simply sitting in silence will do more for them than you could ever imagine. Now, there's a few components in this that I want to kind of really dissect into this episode, but one main component as well is that as human beings, sometimes we have this tendency to want to help people, right, obviously, you know there's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we want to help and we want to fix things right. But sometimes if someone is coming to us with something specifically okay, they want to talk to us about something. Oftentimes they just want to be seen, they want to be heard, right, they want to be understood and they want to feel validated, like that they matter and that they're. What they're going through is actually valid, right, and that their emotions are valid in their scene, right.
Speaker 1:A lot of people, for many different reasons, whether that be childhood or all these different things, have never truly felt seen or heard or understood right. So just giving them that space to come to you and talk about something, I think is so, so, so important, okay, and sometimes we want to try to, you know, give advice, we want to try to fix right. Perhaps you know your best friend is coming to you with a situation and you're like, oh, you know, hmm, I know what you should do here, right, but sometimes that's not. It's not your call to make right. I understand that oftentimes we try to help people and this is something that I went through myself as I was kind of going through my own personal development, learning all these new things, development, learning all these new things.
Speaker 1:When people came to me with advice or something I would constantly try to, you know, say, oh, you should be doing this, this, this, this right. But like, first and foremost, they didn't ask for that, right? They actually didn't ask for any unsolicited advice, which can actually be very offensive to someone as well. Right? They're just asking to talk to someone and then you're just throwing a bunch of stuff their way. Secondly, not everything works for everyone.
Speaker 1:Okay, just because something works for you does not mean it works for other people as well, right? So even though your intentions are good and you want to give out that advice and you want to give tips and tricks that have worked for you, it does not necessarily mean that it will work for them, right? So this is what I'm saying you want to walk alongside that person while they're on their journey, right? You want them to feel that they're understood person while they're on their journey, right, you want them to feel that they're understood and that they're seen and that what they're experiencing is entirely valid, right? Your job is not to fix them. Your job is not to fix a situation, but to simply sit with them and hold space. Okay, and obviously, of course, if they're asking for advice about something, you know, that's a different question, right? Or a different story.
Speaker 1:I would say, if they've, if they've expressed their dialogue and they're like what do you think, nick? Or like what do you think about that situation? Well, you know, if obviously they're giving you permission to you know, to give your advice, then you can say whatever it is that you want to say, but at least you've held space for them long enough for you to you open up and say hey, what do you think about that, right? Or if there's something that you generally feel that could help them, there's something, there's a perspective that you know like hmm, I generally think that this could help them, you know, then maybe it's that you ask the question once they're done talking or once they're done opening up to you, then maybe you ask the question, right? Hey, I made an observation, you know? Would you be okay if I shared something with you, right? But at least you're asking that consent, you're not just throwing advice in the air, right, which I think, again, is so, so, so important.
Speaker 1:And the other thing about holding space for someone is that it's a skill, okay, it's a skill that we need to practice. It's a skill that we learn over time and throughout, you know, conversations that we have with people or situations that allow us to hold space for someone. Okay, the reason I say this is because some people don't know how to hold space for someone. Some people don't even know what it looks like, right, obviously, if you're coaching, if you're a coach or a therapist, you had training on this. Right, obviously, you're. You know, this is like I said earlier. It's a. It's probably, I would say even probably the most important thing you can do for a client in your sessions is to have that ability to be present with them and hold space for them, right? But a lot of us aren't taught how to do this, okay?
Speaker 1:So I've heard this before where it's like, you know, I've heard people talking and they're like, oh my goodness, like someone came to me with a specific thing and I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say. You know, I was feeling stressed out, I felt like I was going to say the wrong things or all. You know different types of circumstances or scenarios, right, and that's completely understandable, because it's not something that you learn, it's not something that, unless you're in kind of a coaching field or maybe a leadership role or these different things maybe like a management position, a lot of the times it's like it's not really something that we are ever really taught, right? Like I was saying earlier, it's not something we're really taught in schools and other things.
Speaker 1:I've, you know, I've heard as well and experienced myself is like sometimes you're, you know, someone comes to you with a specific scenario or situation and you don't really know what to do, what to say, so you don't really say anything and then they're like, oh my goodness, I feel so good, thanks for letting me get off, get that off my chest, okay. Or like thanks for listening or thanks for being there. And you know, sometimes you're, you're kind of you're like unconscious reaction is to say something along along the lines like, hey, you know, I didn't really do anything and that's the thing, right, you did more for that person than you could ever imagine. It's like I said earlier, silence is golden. Sometimes, right, just holding space for that that person, and not necessarily having to say or do anything, can do more for them than you will ever think was possible, okay. Okay, because, like I said earlier, so many people again it could be from childhood, it could be from different circumstances have never truly felt, heard or seen or validated in any way. So just giving your ear to someone and being fully present with someone, it makes them feel like they've probably never felt in their lives or very rarely in their lives. But, again, you may be doing generally a good service of someone without even being aware, okay. So, yes, it is a skill that obviously we can learn and we can develop. But the more you're brought into these types of situations, of course, the better you'll get at it.
Speaker 1:Right, and again, this could be starting to practice this anywhere, right, holding space for someone does not necessarily always need to be you know something that's detrimental in their lives. Right, it could be holding space for someone. Maybe you're in a meeting at work and they're coming to you about a specific problem, right, and you're practicing holding that space for someone and just you know, being in tune and listening to what they're having to say and truly listening, right, actually listening to them, no distractions. Not be on your phone, whatever, right. It could be in a work environment, it could be wherever else, right. But learning to listen to someone is something. It's a practice that you can do really anywhere, right?
Speaker 1:And then, when it comes to holding space for someone, generally, with you know someone having an extremely difficult time with something and they're coming to you and say, hey, I need someone to talk to, right, like maybe your best friend or something, then you can be like, okay, I'm fully here for you, 100% right. So this is why the other part as well, though, of holding space, what's important to understand as well, is it does require self-awareness, okay, because what can happen when we're holding space for someone? The thing that I want to say here is that, whatever's going on, whatever they're coming to you with, okay, it's not about you, all right, it's about them. It's not your story, it's not your situation, but sometimes our own emotions, our own past situations, or even traumas or past experiences can get in the way and kind of, you know, can cloud our own judgment, right? So sometimes it is very important for us to kind of tune in with ourselves when we're talking about something, okay, so let me give you an example to really paint a better picture here.
Speaker 1:So let's say your friend Sandra we'll just call her Sandra, okay, let's say your friend Sandra comes to you with a specific situation. Okay, her and her boyfriend had a fight and you know, now she's very upset. Maybe she's crying all these different things. Right, she's coming to you, she's like hey, I really need to talk. Do you have five minutes? Can I come over and like, sure, sure, sure, right. And then they're talking, and you know, and then you guys are talking, and then she's explaining that her and her boyfriend had a fight and whatever happened. Right, something happened, they had a fight, she stormed out and now she's here to see you.
Speaker 1:Okay, what can happen is, as she's telling the story, there's a lot of different things that can come up. First and foremost, she will be emotionally charged, which can also make you emotionally charged as well, right, and obviously, if you see your best friend crying, it's going to stir up some emotions in you and that's completely fine, as long as it doesn't take you over. And then it becomes about you type of thing, right, because this is what I'm saying. It can require a certain degree of self-awareness as well, is that if they're coming to you with a specific situation, maybe she's crying, maybe she's angry, right. Or maybe you're saying, oh, I can't believe he did that again. And then you're getting emotionally charged because it's your best friend and you don't want to see her get hurt. Or you're also emotionally charged because something in your past may have triggered you, because maybe what she's talking about, a similar situation, happened to you before in one of your past relationships. That's triggering you and then you're projecting that onto her right?
Speaker 1:So what I'm saying is that, honestly, sometimes, if we're not aware of our own stuff, it might be difficult to hold space for someone because we get so emotionally triggered, so emotionally charged, that we're not able to hold space for someone, right. So in this example, maybe she is crying because you know her boyfriend did something and you're like, oh my goodness, you know that's so not right. And then you're getting flustered and emotionally charged and then you might even lash out and say like, oh my goodness, he's such a jerk, how could he do that? All these different things, right? But again, this is not about you. It's about holding space for that person, right, and just listening to them and acknowledging what they are going through and just, you know, letting them know that you're there for them, right, that you're there for them, you're fully present for them and you know you're not judging them.
Speaker 1:Okay, maybe and this is another part as well you don't always have to agree with what that other person is saying, right? And this is why it's so important for you to be in tune with yourself, because you're, if you don't agree with what you're saying and you get triggered and then you backfire that onto them, you are no longer holding space for that person, okay. So again, if sandra is coming to you and she's talking to you about the fight they just had, okay, maybe she said something to her boyfriend and you're like, hmm, I really don't agree with that. You should not have said that. Okay, you're not holding space for that person anymore, right? If you're thinking about that and then you're getting triggered, and then you're not holding space for that person anymore, right? If you're thinking about that and then you're getting triggered and then you're just not even listening to what that person is saying anymore, you are not holding space for that person, right? So that's what I'm saying In this situation.
Speaker 1:It's not about you. It's about what they're going through, right and acknowledging the experience. So maybe what she said to her boyfriend, you know she thought was okay at the time. Maybe you don't think it's right, but or maybe in your heart is like you know, maybe there could be a different thing and maybe you are right. But it's not about fixing the situation here, right, honestly, a lot of times what I've seen is that person comes to that realization, especially when they're talking about it.
Speaker 1:Okay, oftentimes this is what I'm saying it's so important to not try to fix anything, because I think that people learn better on their own right. People heal themselves. That's what I truly believe and sometimes, as you're, you know, as you're holding space for someone and you're letting them talk and they're talking about this out loud, they come to their own conclusions and their own realizations, right, like, oh, you know, now that I'm saying this out loud, maybe I could have handled this differently, right? Or, hmm, you know, okay, now that I say this out loud, I think I could have said something else, right? Maybe I did overreact a little here, right, and you didn't say anything at all. You held space for them and that is golden, because they came to the realization themselves, right, I think that is so so, so, so important, right? So, again, it's not about you and it's important to not put your stuff onto them, right?
Speaker 1:So, again, it's very important to be aware of your own emotions, your own thoughts, your own, you know, tuning into yourself as well when you're talking to someone, into my body. Okay, because oftentimes in sessions, clients will tell me things that I'm just like, wow, right, like I'm like how could someone go through that, or how could someone be treated that way, or all these different things. And it's very important for me to be in tune with how I'm feeling as well, because I want to be able to hold space for my client if they're angry or if they're crying or if they're, you know, whatever they're going through, without me being overly emotionally charged, right, because some things sometimes that I hear is like, oh, you know, that is, that is crazy, right. But then again I tune into myself and sometimes I'll feel kind of that fluctuation, right, like that anger or that anxiety or that, whatever it is coming up, right? Maybe it's that sadness, right? Maybe it's, you know, kind of like a mirror that's reflecting back to my clients. They're expressing something and that mirrors onto me as well. It's like, oh, okay, that's a heavy topic. But then again I tune into myself and I just take a moment to tune into myself and feel like, okay, what's coming up for me? Right now I'm feeling very anxious, I'm feeling very frustrated or flustered, and I just take a moment and I tune in.
Speaker 1:One thing that I say personally to myself is it's not about you, right, just hold space for them, be present with them, and I also take kind of a few little breaths here and there, right, and this all happens in you know matters of you know a few seconds, right, it's something that you know, you, you develop and learn over time. But I find, for me personally, when I'm holding space for someone you know, it's also very important for me to be aware of my body as well and how I'm thinking and how you know, tuning into myself as well, so that I don't lash out or say something that's out of context, because I'm triggered by something that they said based on my past experiences or my own beliefs about something, or my own thoughts about something, et cetera, right, so I do hope that this helps paint the picture, but this is what I'm trying to say right, it's not about you, it's just about holding space for that person. Okay, and there's a quote that I read Again, I don't know who this is from, but what the quote says is the solving is in the listening, the solving is in the presence, the solving is in letting the other person know that you are there, you understand and you aren't going anywhere. Okay, and I think this is you know. I think, honestly, that is so well said and really encapsulates the essence of holding space for someone. Okay, so now let's dive into a few more tips and tricks on really how to hold space for someone. So the first one is learn to listen. Okay, like I talked about earlier, listening is a skill and, yes, you heard that right, it's learning to listen.
Speaker 1:Listening is something that is learned over time. Active listening is it's putting yourself in their shoes, right, you don't, like I said earlier, you don't necessarily have to agree with the situation, but you leave your opinions at the door. It's not the time for that, right, it's actually not the time for that. You also don't stay stuck in your head thinking about what to say or how to fix the situation, so oftentimes, what can happen as well is when they're saying something to us, right, what can happen is we start thinking about things, right, we start thinking about, oh my goodness, like how could they do that? And then we start going through this whole scenario, right, well, maybe this is what they should have done, this is what he should say, this is what the next step should be. At that moment, we are caught in our head, we are no longer listening and, in fact, not only are we no longer listening, but we may have missed some crucial information that they shared.
Speaker 1:Right, and this is not only in holding space for someone, but this can be in conversations as well. Sometimes I've done this myself, and you know, it's something that I've noticed in other people as well is, sometimes We'll be talking to a friend. Right, let's say, we're talking to a friend and we're talking about our trip we went to Jamaica, as an example right, we're talking about our trip, we're talking about how much fun we had, and then immediately they reply with oh my goodness, you know, I had this trip once and we did this and that and this and that. Right, it's like, okay, well, you just completely invalidated what I'm trying to say. Right, you completely just invalidated my experience and what I'm trying to share with you. Right, and again, this is not, you know, this is not meant in any offense or any harm but we get so excited sometimes about sharing our own story, sharing our own perspective, that we are not actually listening to what the other person is saying. So, as they're saying their whole Jamaica trip, as an example, you're in your head thinking about what to say to the person and thinking about, oh yes, I remember, like this is what I did in my trip and whatever, right, and whatever they just told you, you probably didn't hear anything, right? There's a big difference between listening to someone and actually hearing what they have to say, right? So this is part of active listening. It's part of being there for someone. And when you're holding space for someone, this is so, so, so important, right. And when you're holding space for someone, this is so, so, so important, right. Again, you're not staying stuck in your head thinking about what to say or whatever, you're just holding on to that space. You're holding on to that presence that you have with that person across from you, so that you are not missing out on anything. And, again, so important, I think this is the biggest thing I'm going to say today no distractions, right. This is so again, so important. I think this is the biggest thing I'm going to say today no distractions, right. This is so, so, so important.
Speaker 1:Put the phone away, not even in front of you, not whatever. Put it in another room if you have to. I don't care what you do with it, right, but put the phone away when someone is coming to you in a moment of difficulty, right. Oftentimes. Sometimes, people will put their phone on their table. It's like no, you still have like an unconscious thing that your phone might beep or do something. Right, put the phone away, put in your back pocket, put it in another room, I don't care Again, I don't care where you put it, but really put it somewhere else.
Speaker 1:I've seen this personally, like firsthand, right, where it's like and I've done this myself too to be quite honest, someone talks to you about something, right, and sometimes it's not always huge things, but sometimes it could be something that someone's excited about talking to you about and you're not holding space for that person either. You're just, you're on your phone, you're scrolling, you're like yeah, yeah, cool man, or whatever, right, and you can see kind of like the, I would say even like pain or like the sense of disrespect in that other person's face, right, it's like. It's like, hmm, you, you know, like that person really doesn't care about what I'm saying right now is what I'm trying to say, right? So that's one thing that's very important as well, and also another part of listening as well to when you're listening to someone, whatever it is that they're talking to you about, it could be, as an example, something they're excited about or something that they're, you know, in deep pain about, whether it's a breakup loss or whatever is there. You know the verbal cues and body language as well, right, like you know, making sure that not only your own are in check. But sometimes, even though you're not saying anything, you could be just like nodding and saying, hmm, yeah, right, some just little key words, or like little head nods or something to understand that you know, or make them understand. I should say that you are there for them, right, you're unconditionally there for them, you're present with them and you're holding that space with them and you're listening, right? Again, it's not always about saying something, but even just a little head nod can reassure them that you're with them in the conversation. But, again, learning to listen is so, so, so important. And again, it's listening with the intent to understand, not simply to reply. Okay, and again, I dive into this in my episode a lot more the art of listening. If you want to check that out, there's a lot more detail that I cover in there as well.
Speaker 1:Tip number two it's what we talked about earlier and I want to put some more emphasis on this is it's not your job to fix it? Okay, again, I think this is so important and it's normal that we want to help and it's normal that we want to fix things right. But giving unsolicited advice can be very disrespectful to someone, right? Someone coming to you with something and all you're doing is throwing knowledge at them or whatever. Right, they don't care about that. They don't care about that. They just generally want to be heard, right, to feel seen and understood.
Speaker 1:And I've actually seen this once I was at an event and these two people were talking and one of them said listen, you've been giving me advice all weekend. It's advice that was unsolicited, it's advice that I was not ready to receive. I understand that you mean well, but I actually don't appreciate you throwing all of this at me and the other person just kind of like they're like, oh my goodness, like I am so sorry, right, they apologize, obviously everything was good after that, but like that person actually said that bound you and be like, hey, like I'm not appreciating you giving all this right, all I wanted was someone to talk to, all I wanted was someone to listen to. And it's like I said earlier, people can only heal themselves. Your job is to simply be there, and sometimes by talking and, you know, perhaps even crying or expressing some anger or whatever it is that they're expressing, that's how typically they can heal themselves throughout the conversation, right. And that's typically how, as an example, they come to their own conclusions and own realizations, like we've talked about earlier, right. So it's like, okay, they say something out loud, like wow, okay, I didn't think about it that way before, like, hmm, maybe I shouldn't have said that. So, again, there's a time and place for everything, but oftentimes just listen, just be there, just sit with them in the silence, or whatever it may be, but you know, it's really just about holding space for that person, okay. And just because you're not providing a solution or giving advice doesn't mean you're not helping that person. You're probably helping them more than you could ever imagine.
Speaker 1:Tip number three is silence is golden. Okay, so sometimes conversations can get quiet and for some people that can be very awkward, right? Especially if we're not used to holding space for someone, okay. So, as an example, someone comes to you for something. Okay, they're talking about something and maybe they're pondering, right, maybe they're thinking about how they want to say this to you. Maybe they're you know, they're just lost in thought for a moment. There could be so many different things, okay, but that space, that silence, is very golden for them, right? That space can allow for the other person to sit with what is and just reflect on what needs to come out. Okay, and sitting with what is simply means being with the person whom you're holding space for. Okay, so you're allowing them to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:If they cry, they cry. If they get angry, that's okay, as long as you know they're not lashing out their anger. Or, you know, hitting something whatever, obviously that's completely fine, right, but allowing the other person to feel whatever, whatever it is that they're feeling, okay. So sometimes they may have trouble saying something because they're afraid of what's going to come up alongside that, right, so perhaps they want to say something but they don't want to cry. Perhaps they want to say something but they're afraid they'll get very angry, or perhaps something is just so hard to say that's hurt them so much that they don't even know how to put it into words.
Speaker 1:Okay, and sometimes there could be these pauses of silence where we're like should I say something? Should I do anything? Should I give them a hug? Like there's so many different things, right, and you know, maybe in certain circumstances, giving them, you know, if they're crying a lot or something, maybe it's reaching out, or you know, um, giving them a hug or whatever, there could be different circumstances, right, obviously you have to read the situation and you know, kind of, what feels right in that moment, which is why I'm saying, again, it is a skill, right, but again, sometimes it's just letting that person formulate whatever it is that they're trying to say, right, and whatever it is that they're trying to bring into existence, right, because we don't know this is what's important as well.
Speaker 1:Okay, what people go through is their own subjective experience, right, everyone has a different reality, right, everyone has a different perception of reality. So, just because you know, you don't think it's a big deal to you, it could be the end of the world to them, right? So this is what I'm saying it's so important to hold space for someone because we don't know what it feels like to be in their shoes. It could be a small thing to us, but to them, that little thing could be backed by trauma. It could be backed by so these different things.
Speaker 1:So, again, we live in separate realities, right, like you've got your whole life that you know shape your own reality. They've got their whole, you know film, if you will, right, that has shaped them up. You know their reality, until where they are today as an example. Right, but we've got two different films, is what I'm trying to say, right? And no film is ever the same, so it's you know. You can't judge someone because of that, right? Because you're like, hmm, that doesn't seem like a big thing. Right, again, you're in your head and it's not about you, is what I'm trying to say, right?
Speaker 1:So, sometimes, just sitting in that silence and just letting them be and you know, sitting with what is, no matter again how much you're not agreeing with that or whatever, it's just allowing them to sit there and reflect on what needs to come out, right, and I've seen this in, you know, in client sessions as well, where you know someone's trying to say something and they're like, oh, you know, I just, I don't, I don't know how to say this, I don't want to cry, or whatever. And then they end up crying and then you're just, you're just holding space for them, right? Not saying anything, you're not doing anything, it's. It's again, it's really about reading the situation, but what I'm trying to say is sometimes it can get awkward, sometimes it can get a little silent, but that silence is gold for them, right? That silence is time for them to let something out or simply reflect on what they want to say and how they want to say it.
Speaker 1:Tip number four is how much space are you holding for yourself? And this ties back to the self-awareness portion, right? But again, you cannot pour from an empty cup, okay, oftentimes we give so much to others, right, we give space to others, we give advice to others, whatever it may be, but how much do you give to yourself? And also, how aware are you of your own stuff? Right? Because when you're able to hold space for yourself, you're better able to hold space for someone else, right? And by putting yourself first, you allow yourself to be at your best when holding space for others. Okay, because, obviously, holding space for yourself is so, so, so important, right? Because I'm a firm believer that you should be your number one priority in your life, right?
Speaker 1:So if there's stuff that you have to deal with, that you work through those things, right and again. That could be with a coach, that could be with a therapist, et cetera. Right, but it's also important for you to hold space for yourself, right and again. That could be alone, that could be through reflecting, through meditation, all these different things, or it could be have someone else hold space for you, right Again, through coaching, through therapy, or going to a friend as well. Because, again, if you want to hold space for someone, you also have to know what the dynamic looks like and what that exchange looks like as well, right? And the more work you do on yourself and the more you're able to hold space for yourself, whether that being alone or with the help of someone else, you more understand what it's like to be in that other person's shoes.
Speaker 1:So, when you are holding space for someone else, like, okay, I know what this is, I have someone that holds space for me as well, right. So not only are you more in tune of yourself as a whole, but that helps you empathize with other people as well. So this is so, so, so important, right, it's the ability to hold space for ourselves and, like I will always say, I truly believe that putting ourselves first is our first and foremost priority, and it should always be that way. Personally, in my opinion, I think we should always put ourselves before anyone else, because the relationship you have with yourself, okay, sets the tone for any other relationship you have in your life. So, if you want to be able to show up better for your kids, for your husband, etc. You have to take care of yourself, right. You have to do the things that accept you, that light you up, and also you have to you know, heal the parts of you that you know that you need to heal and work through as well, right, but if you're able to do that, you're then able to show up better for people in your lives, and when someone needs your help, you're better able to hold space for them. Now, with that being said, I want to Flip kind of the coin here and talk about something as well, which I also think is very important.
Speaker 1:Just because you're holding space for someone and being there for someone does not make you their coach or their therapist. And I want to be very clear on why this is so important. Sometimes what can happen is maybe someone's just not used to getting attention and to be seen and heard and understood, or maybe someone feels like you're the only person that they can trust. Right, there's a difference between holding space for someone when they truly need you and someone coming to you for advice and holding space every time something happens right, like every little thing, something happens. It's not on you to do this right. You are not their coach, you are not their therapist. Okay, it's important for you to understand that it's important to be there for someone when they need you, but some people can kind of take advantage of that is what I'm trying to say. It's important to firmly establish those boundaries. That also applies to coaches and therapists, by the way.
Speaker 1:I've had these conversations with coaches and therapists before this has happened to me as well before where some people will come to you constantly for advice and advice and here and there come to you constantly for advice and advice in here and there, right, and it's like you kind of do want to help, but at the same time you have to have your boundaries right Because, again, you've already got clients that you're working with all these different things right, and that's the thing you cannot help everyone all the time right. You need to have those boundaries and, especially if you're someone who's not into this field, you can get a bit emotionally overwhelmed and you feel like, oh, my goodness right, like you've got all this baggage now because that person's always coming to you and it's not on you to carry any of that right. So I just want to be very clear on what I'm saying here. But again, it isn't on you to carry, and sometimes it's about having that honest conversation with that person saying like, hey, you know, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a coach, I'm not qualified for this Like I don't mind being you, you know being there for you when you need me, but at the same time maybe this is something that you need a bit more help with right. It's about sometimes setting those boundaries, being respectful about it, not being a jerk about it, but honestly just establishing those boundaries and making sure that they understand that you'll be there when they need you, but you can't be there all the time when they expect. And the reason I'm bringing this up is because I've had a few people come to me with the same similar thing, where they've said something along the lines of in my relationship, I feel like I am my partner's therapist and as much as I want to be there for them and help them through their stuff, I feel like it's a lot of emotional baggage that's on me and I feel like that's not really mine to carry, mind to carry, and I fully agree with that, and I asked them if they could elaborate a bit more on that.
Speaker 1:But basically, what it really came down to for those multiple scenarios is that the partner went through a lot in their life or maybe they're going through a lot right now and they're talking to their partner about that and they're kind of dumping that all on their partner, but they're not doing anything actively to help themselves, right. In those circumstances, like I said, right, it's very important to understand your partner, what's going on in their lives, what you know, what happened before, and get a better understanding of them. In the whole picture, you obviously want to know where your partner's been and help them through things that you can help them with, but it is not your job to be your partner's therapist, right? Your partner should never be dumping stuff on you all the time and that's a personal opinion, again, but at a certain point your partner should be seeking professional help, right? Just because you are their partner does not mean you're their therapist, right? So I really hope that this makes sense. But that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Holding space for someone can be very powerful and, you know, and very necessary at times. But again, if it's something that they're constantly dumping onto you over and over and over right, but they're not doing anything actively to get help on it, then that is not on you to carry. So I really hope that this makes sense. But you know, it's like I said. I've seen this, you know, especially in relationships, and it's very important to understand each other and work with each other and help each other. But sometimes there are things that you're just not qualified to help that person with, right, and there are just things that it's not on you to help that person with and that person does need to find help. So I know we talked about a lot today. So again, just kind of to summarize the essence here.
Speaker 1:But how to hold space, number one is learn to listen, right, truly listen, not just with the intent to reply, but truly with the intent to understand what that person is going through. Be present, very present, no distractions, and hold space for them, okay, Tip number two is that it's not your job to fix it. We have a tendency to want to help and fix things. Sometimes that's just not the place, and your advice and things or tips that you want to give them could actually backfire and be very disrespectful to them, right? Tip number three is silence is golden. Even though sometimes it may seem like the quietness is awkward, it could actually be full of answers, right, silence is not empty, it is full of answers.
Speaker 1:And tip number four how much space are you holding for yourself? Right, you cannot pour from an empty cup, so you need to look out after yourself as well, especially if you're holding space for other people. But again, you are no one's therapist and sometimes that person may need more help than you can give. So, that being said, that's all I've got for you guys on today's episode. If you did like the episode, please feel free to leave a comment or review, share it. It really helps bring awareness to what I'm trying to do, which is really kind of, you know, spread this podcast on a broader scale to really help people just navigate everyday life challenges. So, again, with that being said, I hope you have a good week and I will catch you guys next week. Thank you.
